


What Have I Become (I'm Sorry)

by Applefall



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Angst, M/M, angsty as fuck, why do I write this it makes me cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-12-09
Packaged: 2018-02-28 02:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2715656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Applefall/pseuds/Applefall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pete's made a huge mistake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

His boxes are in the living room. Pete honestly didn't expect Patrick to get his shit in boxes so quickly. It's only been a few days since The Fight. And yet, here they were, boxed and labeled in his familiar childlike scrawl.

_Pete's shit._

_Some more shit._

_Why do you have so much fucking shit?_

The last one nearly made Pete laugh. Nearly. And really, he would have laughed, if it weren't for the circumstances. Why couldn't Patrick have just burned his things, like a crazy ex boyfriend would do? Why hadn't Patrick just hurled his stuff out of their apartment window? It would've been easier, because then he wouldn't have had to crawl back here to fetch his items.

But it's no longer their apartment. It's Patrick's.

"Why are you here?" Pete hears a voice and turns. It's Patrick, dressed in batman pajamas and messy hair. Pete gestures to his stuff and Patrick rolls his eyes. "Well fucking hurry with it. I want to go back to sleep." Patrick spits, and Pete watches him. He hasn't slept, no, Pete would know. His eyes are puffy and red, shoulders trembling and his breaths are uneven. He knows when Patrick is crying and trying to keep it in. Pete knows because he's stayed up late countless nights listening to those sobs, the heart breaking ones. He knows because he's soothed Patrick countless times, holding him close and rubbing his back.

Pete stays still and Patrick's cheeks redden angrily. He steps forward, ready to punch Pete. His sadness is morphing into anger, red hot and burning. His fist is raised and it's coming toward Pete, but it's weak and Pete catches it easily. By instinct he pulls Patrick close to him, still holding his wrist as Patrick is pressed against his body. "Fuck you, stop!" Patrick cries, struggling to get away. But Pete cups his face quickly and presses his lips to Patrick's. Patrick doesn't kiss back for the first ten seconds, and then he's kissing back softly and hesitantly. Pete moves his hands down to his waist, bringing him as close as he can.

"How can you say you don't love me anymore?" Pete whispers when they pull apart, Patrick's eyes shining with tears again, and his expression is on its way back to furious.

"Fuck you, fucking fuck fuck. You fucking slept with another guy, Pete. Does five years mean _nothing_ to you?" Patrick asks, voice breaking off. "Do _I_ mean nothing to you?" Patrick squirms in his grasp, but Pete tightens his hold considerably.

"You mean everything to me," Pete breathes, resting his forehead against Patrick's. " _Everything_ , you know that."

Patrick pulls away from his grasp sharply with a hurt look on his face. "If you really did care about me, you wouldn't have slept with Mikey." Pete swallows at this, wincing at the name. "Was I not good enough for you? Not a good enough in bed? Not good enough at _all_?" Pete shakes his head frantically, because Patrick was the best thing to ever happen to him. Patrick was perfect, and Pete had made a fucking mistake.

"Am I not good-looking enough? Tired of being with a _fat_ twenty three year old? Was it just pity? Did you pity me!?" Patrick shouts, voice rising angrily. He's crying, tears rolling down his cheeks and he wipes them away quickly. "Not like Mikey, skinny and thin, pretty." His voice drops again, low and upset.

Pete's at loss for words. Patrick's the most gorgeous human he's ever seen. More gorgeous than Mikey with his sharp edges. More gorgeous than Jeanae. How can Patrick not see that?

"I bet that was it, huh? I knew, I knew that one day- one day I wouldn't be good enough for you. Because I was never good enough for anyone else." Patrick's shoulders are shaking now, and he sinks to the floor, hands over his face, sobbing. "Just get out of my fucking life, Pete." Patrick whispers a few moments later. " _Please_. I wasn't good enough then, I wouldn't be good enough now."

Pete leaves silently, wanting to hurl himself out that window so he can't hear Patrick's broken sobs.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pete gets a phone call from an unexpected number in the middle of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow look im continuing this because I can't stand leaving this by itself.

He gets a phone call nine days later.

"Pete, please, I need- _need_ you." Patrick's voice crackles out, broken and needy. Pete sits up straight in his bed. He's at his parents house and is keeping in his childhood bed for the first time in ten years. He hardly fits, but there was nowhere else to go. "Please," Patrick cries again, and Pete's heart jumps.

"Where are you?!" Pete nearly shouts into the phone, before remembering it's three in the fucking morning. He couldn't sleep, hasn't slept in days. It's been twelve days, ten hours and fifteen minutes since they broke up. Not that Pete's counting.

"Ou- my, my apartment." Patrick sniffs, and Pete can hear rustling and uneven breathing. He's having a panic attack, and Pete knows they're dangerous.

"I'll be right there b- buddy." Pete saves himself from nearly saying his term of endearment for Patrick, and Patrick's breathing increases considerably. "Don't hang up, please." Pete whispers into the phone, and Patrick says nothing, instead a broken sob crackles out.

 

When he gets there he lets himself in with his spare key. Patrick never asked for it back and he never gave it back. He can hear his cries from the entrance area, and his heart twists. "Patrick!" Pete shouts and runs towards Patrick's bedroom.

He sees Patrick on the bed, half dressed and shaking violently, gasps escaping his pink lips. He looks at Pete and Pete's heart breaks. Pete steps forward until he's near the bed and he climbs on, gathering Patrick in his arm. "What's wrong, Patrick, what's wrong?" Pete says in a soft voice, rubbing Patrick's back.

"N-not good enough, never, _never_ good enough." Patrick moans into Pete's chest, shaking. "I couldn't- couldn't believe you left. Why did you- why... Why did you leave me?" Patrick cries, clutching Pete's shirt. His shirt is rucking up and Pete can see black and blue bruises on his hips and stomach, and he sucks in a breath.

He didn't make those marks.

Patrick must have.

"Patrick, did- did you make these?" Pete brushes fingertips across the black and blue, and Patrick nods into his chest. "Why?" He tightens his grip on Patrick's back, anger bubbling up inside of him.

"I was- was too fat. I th-thought that it would motivate me to-to lose weight." Patrick stammers out, and Pete digs fingernails into his back.

"Patrick, your fucking perfect. Perfect, I swear to god. How can you think that your too fat?" Pete says, tears welling up in his eyes. Patrick looks up at him and shrugs.

"If I was perfect you wouldn't have cheated on me."

Pete lets a tear fall, and Patrick's face turns red. He lets out a hiccupy breath and then his body racks with a sob. "You _don't_ have the right- the right to, to cry." Patrick cries.

Pete lifts his chin again and presses his lips to his, surprised when Patrick immediately opens his mouth and moans. Pete pushes him back gently and straddles his waist, his lips still connected to Patrick's plump ones. He rocks against his waist before lowering his hands to knead the soft flesh. He drops his head and kisses each of the bruises that Patrick's caused, and Patrick's hips buck.

"No, Pete. Pete you can't- you can't hurt me again." Patrick sniffs.

"I won't, Patrick, please, _please_ give me another chance. Patrick please." Pete begs, burying his face in his pale neck.

Patrick pushes Pete off and curls into himself, tears rolling down his cheeks. "No, no! I'll never be good enough!" Patrick shrieks, hysterical. He's breathing in short and uneven breaths, shaking violently. Pete's never seen him this bad.

"You were _always_ good enough. I was the one who was never good enough." Pete tells him, "You're perfect, and _I_ mess up everything I touch. You were always too good for me, you always deserved better." Pete says, tears leaking from his eyes. Patrick says nothing, but continues his sobs. Pete lays next to him and curls around him, holding him close. He relishes the warmth emanating from him one last time, closing his eyes and burying his nose in Patrick's neck.

Patrick eventually stops shaking and his sobs eventually fade into calmer and slower breaths, and Pete knows he's asleep. He doesn't move though, just tangles his legs in Patrick's and breathes in his scent.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So maybe Patrick's getting over Pete. But Pete really doesn't like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so into this terrible cliche.

It's hell when Pete wakes up. At some point during the night, Patrick had turned around and burrowed into his chest, clinging closely to him, as if nothing had ever happened. When Pete opened his eyes, Patrick was watching him with a soft look on his face, which quickly hardened into a sadder and angrier look.

"Look, Pete. I appreciate you coming here, but you didn't have to stay." Patrick says and Pete blinks away the sleep in his eyes, struggling to catch up. Patrick pulls away from his grasp, sighing. "You certainly shouldn't have slept here." Patrick sighs, and curls into himself, free of Pete's grasp.

"You think I was just going to leave you?" Pete asks, stunned. "Don't be stupid." Patrick visibly bristles, and then calms down with a defeated sigh,

"Just go, Pete. I need to get over you and your not making it easy." Patrick whispers, not looking at Pete. "Please, just let me have that." Pete swallows and places a hand on Patrick, who bristles.

"Don't touch me!" Patrick rolls away, voice hoarse. He pushes the covers away quickly and trembles, breathing quickening. Pete instantly knows what's happening. Patrick's having a sensory overload, and he's not sure what triggered it. Maybe him. Pete knows it's best for him to be alone, and he gets off the bed quickly, pointedly not looking at Patrick's thick thighs, bruised blue and black.

He leaves with a sigh, but clutches the key in his pocket. Pete wonders if Patrick will get over him or come back to him. He desperately hopes for the latter, but maybe it's best if Patrick stays away. That way Pete can't hurt him with his jagged edges and sharp tongue.

-x-

It's not till two months later that Pete sees Patrick again. He's with Gabe, standing on tiptoe to kiss him. They're out for coffee, and it's entirely chance that they run into each other. Gabe wraps arms around Patrick and ducks his head to plant his lips against Patrick's. Pete feels white hot jealousy shoot though him, and he can hardly see straight. After they've kissed, Pete approaches their table.

"Nice to see you, Gabe. Patrick." Pete acknowledges him with a nod. He tears his eyes away from where Patrick is grasping Gabe's hand. 

"Hey, Pete!" Gabe exclaims, bright and chipper. Patrick mumbles a hello and averts his gaze. 

"Nice to see you... Out and about, Patrick." Pete says, a hidden tone in his voice for Patrick. Patrick turns red, then turns away. "I'm feeling better too. Got to fuck Mikey again." Pete hisses, and Gabe turns away, uncomfortable. Patrick's face turns redder, and he grits his teeth. It's untrue, what Pete's said. He's cut off all contact with Mikey, but Patrick doesn't know that. Pete wants to hurt him though, break him until he comes back to him.

"Fuck off, Pete." Patrick manages, and then stands. Gabe stands as well. "C'mon, let's go back to my apartment." Patrick says, and Gabe grins slightly. "Have some alone time." Patrick shoots at Pete, and Gabe wraps an arm around him.

Pete knows what these words imply, and he shifts, frowning. Gabe says a goodbye and they walk out. Pete tries to pretend he didn't catch Gabe squeezing Patrick's ass.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few more chapters left. Super angsty, but when is it not?

Pete goes home- his parents house- and swallows down a shit ton of ice cream while blinking away tears. His parents keep a safe distance, but he can tell his mother is getting a little impatient with him. So he takes the gallon of ice cream up to his room and sits on the bed while eating it, watching some shitty drama on tv. All the while images of Gabe fucking Patrick run through his mind, and he eventually feels so sick he curls under his blankets, willing for sleep.

Pete doesn't know how to win him back. He thinks of writing a letter or a song about Patrick, but he doesn't know. He can't serenade him, his voice is terrible. Patrick probably won't accept gifts, and Pete's running low on ideas. His worst was kidnapping Patrick and surprising him, when he realized, no, that would be a terrible idea.

He tosses and turns in his bed, squeezing his eyes shut when he thinks of Patrick curled next to Gabe, maybe sticky and messy. Pete wipes away angry tears, turning over again. Gabe holding Patrick close to him, sleeping in the bed _he_ once slept in. Patrick kissing Gabe's nose like he would Pete's after they had sex. He's furious now, and he turns over and screams into his pillow like a teenager.

-x-

Pete formulates a plan with the help of Brendon. Brendon would bring Patrick somewhere and sing a song that Pete's been working on for weeks, and Pete would appear and beg for forgiveness. It sounded like a great plan to him, but Brendon was little skeptical. Brendon helped with the song, which was different and weird. He's always worked with Patrick, who knew how to take his words and the them into music. Brendon was great at it, but he wasn't Patrick.

Brendon sighs and crosses out a sentence. "No, Pete, I'm not singing, 'I miss fucking you until you screamed.'" Pete shrugs sheepishly and picks at a nail.

"Fine."

"Everything else looks good, though. Like, wow. You really want him back, don't 'ya?" Brendon exclaims, turning to look at Pete. Pete nods and offers him a sad smile. "Well, learn from your stupid ass mistake." Brendon snorts after a moment.

"It was the biggest mistake I could ever make." Pete whispers, and sighs into his hands. This plan needed to work.

-x-

Brendon leads Patrick into a studio a few days later, telling him he needed to show him something. Pete's hiding in the closet, nervously shifting from foot to foot.

"What, Brendon?" Patrick says exasperatedly, and Pete's chest tightens. Pete can hear Brendon start singing, and he can almost see the confused look on Patrick's face. "What?" Patrick asks, and Pete nearly laughs. He steps out of the closet and Patrick spots him instantly, eyes going from questioning, to confused, to angry.

"Wait, hear me out." Pete calls, and Patrick stills. Brendon finishes the last notes and grins, sauntering out. Patrick watches him go and then turns to Pete, face sad.

"It was beautiful." Patrick tells him, looking down. "Now, why you did that is the question." Patrick asks, looking back up, eyes more green than blue.

"I miss you, Patrick. I'm not even really living without you." Pete starts, stepping forward. "I made the _biggest_ mistake of my life and I regret it _every_ moment of the day. Seeing you with Gabe killed me, _killed_. It's _still_ killing me. I don't know how I'm even still _alive_ , Lunchbox. Please, Patrick, please. I made a huge mistake and I _can't_ stand this." Pete tells him, voice low and pleading. Patrick looks away and Pete takes one of his hands and clasps it in his own. " _Please_."

Patrick sighs after a few moments. "I don't know Pete. I don't know if I could ever trust you again. I still love you, I still love you so damn much and it hurts every day. I still need you, but you broke the trust between us, Pete." Patrick says gently, looking down at their hands. "And besides, I'm with Gabe right now..." Patrick trails off, cheeks tinging pink. "And he makes me happy, too."

Pete swallows his jealousy down and takes a deep breath. "I just, I need- _please_." Pete whispers, and Patrick shakes his head.

"Not now, Pete. Not now. Maybe someday, but- today's not that day." Patrick sighs again, lips twisted in a frown. "Gabe's waiting outside. I should- I should go." Patrick says after a minute, pulling his hand away. "Goodbye, Pete."

"Wait, Patrick!" Pete calls suddenly, and Patrick stops with his hand on the doorknob. "Please, please, please call me if- well, you know." Pete says hopefully, and Patrick nods slowly.

"We'll see." Patrick tells him softly, and heads out of the door, leaving Pete to wipe away a few tears.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this. Probably gonna be smut because I'm a loser and I can't help it.

Pete tries not to shout in happiness when Patrick texts him late one night.

**We broke up.**

Pete's fingers fly over his phone in his hurry to respond, a wide grin on his face despite the sad words he sends.

**I'm sorry. You okay?**

Pete waits for Patrick to respond, letting loose tiny laughs in excitement. He can already taste Patrick's skin. He can already envision his fingers sinking into Patrick, and pulling back out again, Patrick writhing beneath him.

**It was ok. I realized he really couldn't replace you.**

Pete's breathing stills as he reads the text. He nearly drops his phone when another is received.

**Come over?**

Pete throws himself out of bed and dresses quickly, not even paying attention to what he puts on.

**I'll be there in ten minutes.**

* * *

 

He knocks on Patrick's door and Patrick greets him with tear stained cheeks. "Hi." Patrick says quietly, shifting on his feet. Then he moves to shut the door, sighing. "Maybe this was a bad idea."

"No, Patrick, wait. Patrick." Pete protests, and Patrick stops. "Please, Patrick." Pete whispers. Patrick sighs, defeated, and then allows him in. Pete walks in and Patrick closes the door. In an instant he's got Patrick up against the door, hands on either side of him, then he's leaning down and kissing him, slow and deep. There's an electric spark that crackles down his spine and he nibbles Patrick's lip. He moans into Pete's mouth, scrabbling to grab his shoulders. Pete pulls away after a few moments, breathing heavily. Patrick shudders as Pete moves his lips to his jaw.

"Tell me you don't feel anything." Pete whispers against his skin. Patrick arches into his touch, moaning as Pete moves to his pale neck. "Tell me Gabe made you moan like this." Patrick cries out when Pete bites down in his neck, suckling softly and then pulling away.

"N-n-no. He did-didn't." Patrick stammers, breathing heavily. Pete sighs in relief and breaks away from him. Patrick whines, and Pete lets out a breathy laugh.

"Patrick, could you please, please forgive me?" Pete begs, and Patrick's eyes mist up.

"Pete, Pete, I think- yeah. I realized I'm just in love with you, you. It's only ever been you, since I was sixteen." Patrick manages, struggling to find the right words. Pete presses his body against him in an instant.

"God, God Patrick, you don't- I've missed you- I can't," Pete chokes out, throat tight and eyes watery. He presses his lips against Patrick's, who responds with enthusiasm.

"Pe-Pete. Wait. I need to learn to trust you again, okay? No touching me, not until I say, please." Patrick says, though he looks unhappy about it. Pete nods against his neck.

"Yes, yes, yes. I don't care. I'll wait as long as it takes." Pete promises, and Patrick's breathing hitches.

He can wait.


	6. Exitlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally finished it.

It's months before Patrick allows Pete to touch him again. Pete moves back in and sleeps on the couch for months. His back aches and he never gets a good sleep, but he doesn't complain. Patrick watches him carefully and sometimes shoots hurt glances at him, but the glances have stopped. Patrick was tentative in the beginning, their conversations short and awkward. But they've learned again, learned how to read each other's minds and speak without words.

Patrick brings it up one night. "Pete, I think... I think I'm ready." Patrick tells him, turning to face him. Pete tilts his head in confusion, asking for explanation. "For.. for us." He scoots forward and crawls into Pete's lap, tilting his head. "Ready." He mumbles, waiting. Pete registers his words, and his heart picks up its pace immediately. 

"Oh God, Patrick, fuck- finally." Pete whispers, and then presses his lips to Patrick's. Patrick sighs into his mouth, wrapping arms around his neck. It's been at least five months since Pete's held him like this, since this all began. Pete wraps arms around his waist, drawing him as close as possible. Pete pulls away for a moment, and Patrick's lips are already starting to look swollen. "God, Patrick. You're so beautiful. So, so beautiful." Pete whispers, running his thumb across his bottom lip. Patrick hums happily and his tongue flicks out to swipe across the pad of his thumb, and the sight is so dirty and delicious it makes Pete's breathing stop. "Shit, Lunchbox."

Patrick suddenly climbs off his lap and tugs on his arm. "Bed, bed, bed now." He mutters, impatient and needy.

Pete follows him and they collapse onto the bed, Patrick making needy sounds and complaining when Pete doesn't get his clothes off quick enough.

It's the sweetest and also the dirtiest sex they've ever had, Pete reclaiming Patrick by biting down on his neck and his thighs. Patrick claims him again too, raking sharp fingernails down his back and arms, marking his territory as he sucks a hickey onto Pete's neck. When Patrick comes he screams, loud and short, sending Pete over the edge. 

They're both sticky and sweaty and a mess, but Patrick curls up against him, nearly laying ontop of him. Pete has an arm around him and Patrick suddenly lets out a choked laugh, tears spilling down his cheeks.

"What, Lunchbox?" Pete whisper asks, stroking his hair. It feels familiar and new at the same time, different, yet exactly the same. Patrick's body shakes as he laugh cries, and Pete tilts his head, concerned now.

"It's just, I'm- I missed you so- so much. And now you're back and here and I can't believe that this is real, and I can't believe you wanted me and loved me even after everything, and-" Patrick chokes out, cut off by Pete pressing his lips to his. Pete draws back, wiping the tears away.

"Of course I still loved you. Of course I still wanted you. You're gorgeous," Patrick shakes his head at this, still not convinced that he's beautiful, "You're the first person I ever loved, Patrick." Pete says and Patrick's watery blue green eyes light up.

"Yeah? Here's a secret." Patrick raises his head to press soft lips against the shell of Pete's ear. Pete shivers at the touch, tightening his grip on Patrick's waist. "You're the first person  _I_ ever loved. You're the  _only_ person I'll ever love." Pete smiles, sighing in relief. Suddenly, Patrick's hand is moving up his chest and tapping the bruising mark on his neck.

"Mine." Patrick growls against his ear, "Mine." Pete shudders and nods in agreement and taps a dark blue black mark on Patrick's hips.

"Mine." Pete repeats the words back to him and Patrick nods to this, satisfied. Patrick drops his head again and his eyes flutter shut. They're both suddenly tired, and they're falling asleep.

Before Pete falls asleep, he realizes that he's never known of a concept more simple. Pete belongs to Patrick and Patrick belongs to Pete, and that's how it's always been.

 


End file.
